I want to share about a common theme that has been coming up in my practice concerning adults who Can’t Let Go of The Mother. Being in an emotional space where we have not found resolution can be uncomfortable, painful, and disheartening. When we are in the “I Can’t” mindset of any issue, we may generally express feeling “stuck.” And when we find ourselves in the air of possibility, then “I Can” sounds and feels empowering, energizing, refreshing.
When we talk about our mothers, the “Can’t” or “Can” parts of the narrative are often too complicated to discern on our own. In fact, some of the hardest themes in therapy are letting go of: a mother; the idea of a mother; the wish of a mother’s love; the acceptance of a mother…
I collaborate with a psychiatrist on cases where our patients have deep clinical depression. My history and expertise on grief allows me to help many people who are mourning the death of a loved one. Most recently, we have found that similar symptoms of grief are being experienced with our adult male patients.
Inner child work is now available with therapists and coaches across the board. I too like to call out the inner child in my patients and name it whenever it shows up in session.
With my adult male clients, their inner boy has been showing up in ways that continue to want the idea of a mother that they currently do not have. Not only has the inner cry of the inner child stopped my patients from healthy romantic relationships, but it has led them to clinical depression.
In the words of the British Object Relations School, “New love objects are chosen for their similarity to (unsatisfying) objects in the past; new partners are interacted within a way that provokes old, expected behaviors; new experiences are interpreted as if they fulfilled old expectations.” — from the book Freud And Beyond. Some of the old expected behaviors expressed in session are: “my mother is not affectionate, loving, caring, present, giving…and I want that.” But what if we cannot have that? And what if the primary internal object (in this case, the mother) is harmful, demeaning, uncaring…?
Sometimes, the resolution is to Let Go of The Mother with all the grief that this implies, AND then to re-parent ourselves as adults. When we do, old unfulfilled expectations of healthy relationships then have a chance in an adult partnership. AND less so the continuous search of the inner child for a parent in a romantic partner. My suggestion for those doing the work of Letting Go of The Mother, is to do it with the help of a trained clinician, as this process can activate many parts of the self. The process of letting go can bring up emotions of grief, sadness, anger, and numbness.
